Looking For Lizards - Lost In The Forest
released february 2009

Part one of looking for lizards.. mostly about being lost in the forest really.. looking not only for lizards to guide your way, but looking for the lizard girl to come back and start taking care of everything around you. it is a proper return to what fukachuk is made of. real stories about things that only play out in a person's mind.. or so it seems. about disappointment and the three sticks and clawing your way up to some sort of surface that may or may not have some answers. wishing beyond anything else that there was a pamphlet to tell you what to do.

Part One:
Lost In The Forest

Chapter One
The Lost Lizard Girl

There isn’t a beginning.. but if there was it would start it would start with a boy.. there is another boy, this isn’t him.. we will get to him eventually.

He was just a boy and there wasn’t much anything else but him. Not a city, Nothing else… just the boy. A boy and his frog.

Over the years the frog learned to speak and he would tell the boy secrets… secrets and lies.. The things that the frog told him he knew because he had been beyond these hills. He said there was another place called Gilbert town. But the truth is that it was only a lie. The only thing there was beyond these hills was the forest… the forest of sticks. They only grew in groups of three. Three is a very important number.. and there is no way to stop it no matter how much you try. When the boy finally went beyond the hills to look for this Gilbert Town all he found were the three sticks. And they stopped the boy dead in his tracks. He sat under the three sticks for several weeks to decide what his next plan was to be. Several weeks turned in to several years, and the boy had built him self a home from the sticks. It was a proper home.. it had some where to sit and a window to look through. The sticks would take things from him as a punishment for using them to build his home. One by one they stripped away his thoughts and freedoms. And finally when you didn’t think any thing more could be taken from the boy, the sticks cut open his chest and took away his heart. This is when he became Surgery Boy.

Now, nothing but a shell of a person he sat there.. looking out the window. Reminders of all the things the sticks took away from him written all over the wall.

He didn’t see anything but the sticks out that window.. looking back at him in groups of three. But beyond the forest and beyond the hills.. beyond everything and anything he could imagine there was something else.

The tree of reason.. lays beyond everything guarded by the sticks and so many other things. It is safe to go there.. and dangerous.. and frightening, and peaceful and everything. And so many people and things have tried to be a part of this tree. Rooted to the ground forever.. branches reaching far and high.. home to many a Siamese cat. The tree is taken care of by the lizards who live around it… taking care of it’s every need and making sure it stays safe. The lizards are a part of this tree and it all works together for a reason that is so meaningful it can not even be spoken.. because the reason is different for everything that goes near it. The lizards take care of the tree and the Lizard Girl takes care of the lizards. The lizard girl is freedom and she can save you. She indeed lives in the tree, but she goes where she wants, and it was her who helped to start building the city.

She built some parts and the frog man built others.. and the years went on and on and more people came and the city grew bigger and darker and lighter and there were so many places to go that you could get lost in a matter of seconds…. And the only things that existed were the City and The Forest and beyond it all was the tree… but no one went there… no one could reach it.. but they knew it was somewhere.

There are a million stories of the people and things that went on in this city. And everyone of these stories is about you. On one of the lizard girls trips to the city to try and make something out of everything the frog man tried to destroy she found something that the frog man left behind. A small fish on the ground.. it was dead… and left behind. It was a symbol of what was happening and what would continue to happen… there is no way to stop it.. you can only try to keep up with it.

So she took this fish with her to the tree of reason and she called this fish James.

The fish grew up to be a man, he was taken care of by the lizards, and by the lizard girl. But he never understood anything that was said to him… he was made from something terrible, and as much as they tried, they couldn’t change what was inside of him. Not even the tree could help him.. and one day he did something so terrible to a visitor to the tree that he was punished and never spoke of again.

As the city was built and re-built and the tree grew taller and the people came and went and the frog man deceived everyone in to believing his lies and feeding them all water from rain that should have been given to the tree, Surgery boy watched.. from his window.. he watched it all.. and in his empty body he still could see that it was nothing but terribly sad. And he knew he had to do something. And it was one night while he slept in his chair that something came to him.. something from far above him and the city and the forest of the three sticks and from everything around.. Were they sent from the tree? I don’t think so.. nothing is ever really as alone as surgery boy thought he was.. not even back when it was only him. They filled him with something. Something to help him become something to help. And when morning came he was the gentle boneless leg dog.

And for the first time in as long as it takes to build a city he left the room.

But where did the lizard girl go while all this was happening? Did she also just become something to look for? Or was there something more to her disappearance? The way to find her was easy… all you have to do is look for the lizards.

A great many years ago I was living in an underground room, in a way that resembles the way I am living now, to be honest the similarities are more than just a little spooky. This is all about a lot of things. But it is about trying to find the lizard girl again, bring her back down from out of the sticks and just find out what might happen next in a city where there is a lizard girl again..

Chapter Two
A Million Million Million Years

Eyes are sweating in this head
I don’t know if I’ll stay in bed
And she is walking up this street
She doesn’t know who she will meet
Waiting for the answer now
And writing plans inside the moon
And if I see another star
I promise it will be too soon
Form my words with minimum thought
And slice down these walls again
Form my words with minimum thought
And sacrifice these bodies again
And if it should get too loud
I fear I mi8ght just walk away
And if it might have no sound
I fear I might just walk again
And was it Jenny who once told me
That everything will always pass
Inside this hall with echoing
Is where I hear this last
Quiet down and think for me
It makes you seem like an animal
Who’s been locked up in this box
For a million million million years.

Chapter Three
Almost Laughing

And my eyes are already half closed
and the clothes are sticking to you again
and wrapping these feet around the winter
falling off this chair again
and hold my hand as still as I can
underneath your favorite shirt
and he walked along the street last night
waiting to see this show
piling up the days addictions
elastics bands around everything
pour out this juice in to the forest
and come home with an empty fist
shake my head at fist shake buttons
and close my mouth before I speak
the people out there all see the posters
lighting fires on the streets
how many days she said will burst
inside the belts of old men's cars
and he sits there almost laughing
about the rain that never came.

Chapter Four
Grab The Moon

And there she was standing there on the step, it’s so obvious to everyone. It wasn’t a recent thing. Jeremy’s been dead a very long time. But, the transformation, the metamorphosis from Jenny into Sindy… it was a good thing. As much as you don’t want to admit it to yourself, to anyone around you, to the world… it was the best thing for Jenny. And Jeremy was dead a long, long time ago. And I think it’s only recently that he has emerged again, in to something new, something with a beat, something you can feel, something that was more than anything he was while he was alive as Jeremy. And so it was that he went on the long night drive and he became the Zombie Boy. And what became of Sindy? Well Sindy can do whatever she wants now, she’s going to do things she never thought were possible. She’s gonna change the world, she’s gonna do all the things she couldn’t do while Jeremy was alive. What’s Jeremy gonna do now that he’s the Zombie Boy? He’s gonna take care of everything. He’s gonna take care of everybody. He’s gonna make sure the tree grows and grows until it reaches the moon. And he’s gonna make sure that everybody in the whole world can climb that tree and touch the moon. And you don’t have to be sad that Jenny’s gone, and you don’t have to be sad that Jeremy’s gone. All you gotta do is reach out your fingers and grab hold of the moon.

Chapter Five

Sitting by the pocket bench
waiting for the perfect day
to start all over and over again
just like it was in the rain

I saw you far too many times today
for you to be something that really exists
my head is so full of feeling this
that it is almost time

my finger tips are not my own
inside the clock I live and kiss
and wrap up presents under moon
and sneak inside of all your books

I saw you far too many times today
for anything that I feel to really exist
my body is somewhere that I never seen
and it is almost time

the sidewalks here are made of wood
and underneath the library
that no one ever knew was there
is stocked with things you wrote about
and in the back is a secret room
that holds the things you found while you
were camping outside at the beach
when your body slept in someone's bed.

Chapter Six
I’m Through With Love

I'm through with love
I'll never fall again.
Said adieu to love
Don't ever call again.
For I must have you or no one
And so I'm through with love.

I've locked my heart
I'll keep my feelings there.
I have stocked my heart
with icy, frigid air.
And I mean to care for no one
Because I'm through with love.

Why did you lead me
to think you could care?
You didn't need me
for you had your share
of slaves around you
to hound you and swear
with deep emotion and devotion to you.

Goodbye to spring and all it meant to me
It can never bring the thing that used to be.
For I must have you or no one
And so I'm through with love.

Chapter Seven
Parts Of Bits

Wriggle wriggle around inside me
Eaten all the things that make me human
The moon is laughing at my actions
Nothing that anyone could quite stomach
Bite down hard on the things I’m feeling
Swallow them up but it lives inside me
Riding on a bicycle to get to the groceries
So I can feed everyone around me
Can't form words that make things better
Just pile up and make it wetter
Can't seem to stop me from throwing up empty
And everything around me is out to get me
Wasps are collecting around my eyes now
Waiting for the moment to sting and blind me
Pull down everything I find on top of me
Hide under here until I’ve left this
Looking outside from piles of ivy
Wondering why I still won't hide me
Speaking out of turn in the middle of the road
When it's clear to everyone that I should bandage up my throat
So ashamed of my old body
Wrap it up tight inside these stories
Hide away the things that hold together
Everything that I know should be better
I’m too far away to do any damage
But I’ll prove that wrong with all this carnage
Slide down holes that once invited
I don't know why I can't hide this
Blanket over head and head under hands
And if I wake up it might make sense
And there’s no way that I could ever exist
When all I ever do is treat you like this.
I should be locked up in the box by the water
Sent away so no one can see me
Floating down the river in a homemade daughter
Twisting inside me like an eel
And it bites in side and eats up memories
That’s are now hiding inside of all this
And at the bottom of the water I can see the starfish
Blowing on you to find its future
And the night looks blue under these floorboards
When the only place for me in gone.

Chapter Eight
The Master Technician

Cutting out the flavoured parts inside the mouth that it created
It's wrong he said inside the boxes that he made with human hair
I would like to feel your skin inside of me and inside things
I might decide to write a book of fairy tales to clean the streets
From miles above your head he sleeps without a way to dream again
Falling out of her mouth came all the things I need again
Contained in an old lunch box was letters that I never sent
I feel so cold inside this room where everything was here again
Take your fingers in my hands and build something that we can touch
I wrap around her painted hands to make this real inside of us
Plugging in the power cords inside your fist inside the bags
And buy some fruit that we can eat while waiting for the time to pass
There's a storm outside this door and water drips in to this house
Sit in puddles made of this twine our toes around ourselves
He can wait until it's dry and bleach my clothes and breath in deep.

Chapter Nine
Tiny Hammers

There is a man in the basement
Who makes tiny hammers
That are used to manufacture
All the things I’m after
And he wears the whole river
Inside of his left arm
And cuts out the pieces
That he needs to make stars
That she keeps inside her mouth
And only lets out
When she dresses up like x-rays
Playing with the gamma rays
Falling in to tree tops
Like there was another answer
And everyone has cancer
Falling in the river
Calming down the children
Hold them and just sing to them
Give them each a hammer
To take back to the town square
Pulling up the black rope
That was living in the river boat
And tying up the end
With the tongues that she can send
And in the other room
She is reading through your diary
Planning out your misery
Wishing she was kissing me
Tapping just so softly
With the smallest hammer
On my favourite eye balls
Until I go to sleep.

Chapter Ten

I am gonna go down
And I am gonna clean myself
And slip underneath
All this water
I am gonna listen to
All the things that me and you
Have ever said inside this room
And I won't stop it
You see me like I never seen this film
And I don't think I will give up feeling this
And I wonder why all these things all exist
When all I try is to clean the blood off of these hands
I am gonna wear these clothes
And I won't ever take them off
And I will never take you off
I won't ever
In the bottom of the lake
I feel like it's a snake
That’s crawled inside the mouth
Of all these things
And I can still feel your hands
When I water potted plants
And try to bring the outside in
Until it rains again
And there is nothing
That they can ever do
That will make this feel like you
Aren't watching all these stories
And there is nothing
That they can ever do
That will make this feel like you
Aren't sleeping inside me.

Chapter Eleven
Gravel Pit City Makers

I can’t wash my hands enough
To make the skin look good enough
For something that I dream enough
These days I can’t get clean enough
Train wheels glide along train track
Just in case the people come
And I can’t wrap up anything
When all I see is good enough
And how can this man even stand
When all bones are gone from him
Removed from his lower half
And replace with this cityscape
People moving inside him
And doing things that people do
Falling down and saying things
Driving all the way from you
I can’t get this taste out of my mouth
And I can’t seem to shake this off
And I can’t stop from blacking out
Everything that happens in this life.
Sit down in the gravel pit
And talk to things that don’t exist
And play with people in my head
And pretend like there’s no one dead
And take your socks off on the ground
And push the gravel all around
And make myself a little town
That everyone can come to see
Pour out my milk in the trench
To make a river for these things
And hold on to these things too tight
And see what happens in the night
She flutters in and out of us
She butters all these things for us.

I can’t begin to vomit out
All the things I shout about
And it is almost running out
She makes it up when she asks questions
More than I have ever put in
All the time and story telling
Everything I ever imagined
It came from her when she was sleeping
Dreaming up the biggest nightmare
Of what I am and what I do here
She makes up cities just by living
All the people came from this
And all the times I never kissed
And all the night when I’m wrapped up
In all the things she left in town
And lights are far too bright to see
When all the things are made of me
I lean up sticks against the ocean
Making houses for the fishes
Letting everybody inside
Failing to congratulate her
Sewing up the puzzle pieces
So no one can ever take them apart
And when it rains and I am younger
Searching through the garbage bins
And finding all the neighbour’s treasures
And bury them inside your heart.

Chapter Twelve
City Slivers

laying down the tiling on the floor of this basement
never seemed to bother me while I was writing letters
and I will never stop this because I know that it is christmas
and I can't seem to ignore this no matter if I’m numb again

pulling on the clothing that will make it seem like you were there
watching as I spiral in to something that I’m ashamed about
and all the time I built this it never seemed to occur to me
that Sindy was more devious than anyone thought she could be

so I will take a walk outside the city in to something old
and sit down on the floorboards and carve your name inside the boards
and mary kettle's portrait will hang up in the bathroom walls
memories of something that would stop me from being there again.

I have a sliver in the roof of my mouth
and when I pulled it all my teeth and all my gums came out
and reaching in to the place where I should speak from
I found hammer that belonged to the baby dog.

Chapter Thirteen

I`m gonna fall
And you know me so well
And it`s spinning out
And out in the universe

Please just take me
And please just trust me
And you need to stitch me
I`m gonna fall
Unless you catch me

I`m gonna split
In pieces and you sew me up
And my skin it crawls
And my head is yours
And it`s all I got left.

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